i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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