your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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