Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
this hospital has no fireball
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
