So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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