I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
