wanna go halves on a baby?
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
