I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Operation Purity has been aborted
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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