Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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