I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize
