She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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