I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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