I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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