I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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