It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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