Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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