the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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