Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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