ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I'm like, not good at living.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
