Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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