my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
