Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
