Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
