the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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