So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
