The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
