whats a polygalesbian?
lesbian polygamists..duh.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
