I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
