I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
