if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Randomize
