shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
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I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
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Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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