So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
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