sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Randomize
