whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
