I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Randomize
