New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
