I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Non-Jews are for practice
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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