Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
