So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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