theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
