Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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