I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
