So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
