I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
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I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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