I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
