I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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