Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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