someone get that fucking seahorse.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
