you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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