Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize
