Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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