Whod you bang
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
