i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
