Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Randomize
