Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Randomize
