quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
