Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Also, beer. Big fan.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
