My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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