Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
