i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Just high enough for therapy.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
